The "Over 18" Aisle

I was recently shopping at a megastore of sorts. You know, one of those giant media stores that sell DVDs, Cds, Televisions, iPods, etc. aplenty. Well, I'm doing as a I do, which is perusing down every single aisle looking for different types of Cds and DVDs. Whatever I fancy, right? I even go through some of the software items. Who knows what I'll find? Well, it's coming to the end of my search, and I notice just to the left of the Anime, in respective, to the right of the Horror, is the "Adults Only" "Over 18" section. And you've seen this, I'm sure, in Wherehouse Music or Tower Records or wherever. It's in the same order and function as the other DVDs, except there's a black plastic cover over the all the rows with the phrase "Adults Only" or something to that extent. Now, I'm thinking, "Hmm, I've practically looked in every other possible spot. Why not just take a little peek. Maybe there will be something I like."

A little about me. I am not a big fan of nudity. Nor do I care to watch hardcore porn or just sex in general. There, I said it. Is it completely strange and out of the norm? No. Are there plenty of guys just like me… in the whole world? Sure. Does anyone I know fit that category? Absolutely not. I just don't get it - the nudity. Ask away all the questions you must, but it's always gonna come down to… I just don't get it - this obsession that men tend to have with full frontal nudity. To tell the truth, I don't even think that the vagina, or the penis for that matter, is an attractive part of the body. I can't even look at it. The sight of one (any one - hairy, clean, buzz cut) makes me cringe. Again, don't ask why. It just does. The anatomy of both male and female just doesn't do it for me. How do I get off, you may ask yourself to me. Easier than you think. You see, I am one of those types who favors more the word tease in "striptease." A clothed woman (fully or partial) turns me on more than one that is naked. We can psycho-analyze and Freud this all night, but what it all boils down to is that I enjoy the act of wanting to know what she's like underneath, but not actually go there. And I've got a list of very intricate, specific, and precise fetishes that require little or no work, however, can be very, very (highlight on the very) difficult to achieve, because the wardrobe choice of most women are very much similar. Legs displayed with shorts or, my favorite, a pleated skirt turn me on more than any vagina and that affection increases vastly when those same legs are covered in knee-socks, but are there spam emails coming to me that say:

"Wet, hot, shaved, pink legs waiting for you" and "Schoolgirls, who actually wear the correct uniform with tie, blouse, skirt, socks and shoes, keep their clothes on and move around sexy like for you."? No.

Women like to wear ankle socks - boo! Women wear thigh highs - only when accompanied with garter belts, but otherwise - boo! Hey, I can't help it if I'm so G*d damn weird and particular about these things, but if you are a girl and you wear boring shoes or sandals all the time for that matter and are not into dressing up or role-playing, then I have no time for you. I've done that lots of times - just stop seeing someone because they are fucking boring. Great face, great legs, great attitude, great sense of humor, but I'm sorry - if you're wardrobe sucks and you feel "weird" dressing up, I can't. I can't. Tried it, failed, wasted both our time, so I'm not trying anymore.

I don't like to view most pornographic material, but there are things I do enjoy much. These fetishes go beyond thought of pretty much everyone I know, so to avoid embarrassment, I will not reveal to you what it is. I will mention that porn on the Internet is insanely easy to find. An eleven-year-old looking for a Pokemon website will find it at haste. What I like is so much better than nudity. There's a creative process when it comes to good original erotica. Naked is too easy. Way too easy. In fact, of all things to be viewed on the human body in any form or fashion, being nude happens to be of two extreme categories. The easiest outfit to pull off and the biggest message to transcend. I want the protagonist, if you will, to be beautiful (not desperate and raunchy), intelligent, desirable, and at least have some acting training. Whether being sexy, angry, man-handled, or tied up, this girl needs to sell it, or I'm not getting it up tonight. But the things I like either (a)cannot be found because they are too specific or not worded properly or not popular enough or (b)will tend to involve hardcore nudity at some point or will include full frontal sex for no reason.

More on sex for no reason - it just sprang into my mind, actually, and I thought I'd expand. Sex for no reason is almost always poorly acted and in some porno where the only and full motivation of the "piece" or "scene" is to engage in intercourse at the "director's" discretion. This will happen in soft core porn as well, but there are stakes in soft core porn that make it okay, plus I like soft core porn, so I don't mind. I think the reason why I like soft core porn better is, obviously, because of the lack of full frontal nudity and extended sex scenes, but also because in most cases there is actual exposition and possibly some role-playing and/or costumes (which I enjoy at most height). So I guess it's the exposition that turns me on? Hmm, how do I put that into erotic words to a girl I plan to date, or even marry. It's funny that when I just happen to catch a soft core porn on Showtime or something, and these time traveling broads are trying to save the future by going to the past or vice versa. And they end up as prisoners with the guy who is also the chosen one or something to that effect. Well, it's a typical "Gee, I guess we're all done for" kinda mood that in most other movies, you try to figure a way out of it. But in this movie, it becomes a "Wow, that's kinda hot that you and I are doomed" kinda mood. Then the sex. You see? I can enjoy that. It makes better sense than the pizza guy and the lonely housewife… as far as sex goes anyway. And also there's the exposition. Quick question, why is it necessary that the sex scenes have so many fade scroll edits and that the scenes are longer than the movie? I don't know. Again, that's just me - I don't care to watch a guy, naked, and a girl, naked, have sex for 20 minutes, naked. It's boring. And if you're a bloke, and this is what you like, and you've got hundreds of porno-related videos, guess what. It's all the G*d damn same! Two (or three or four) naked folks with a whole lot of holes that get plugged one way or another. You've seen one, you've seen them all. Wow, I am the gayest straight guy ever. Exposition? Good acting? No vagina or cum-shots? Outfits for G*d's sake? And while we're on that subject, why are gay men, or men in general, who are in pornos all look the same? Has anyone else noticed that, or am I just delusional? They all look like, well, men. Your typical very-in-shape man with the same color skin, same color hair (dark brown or blonde) in the same shortened style. I know gay guys, personally. I know a lot in this town of Chicago, hell, I live just a few blocks from "Boys Town." And none of the men in gay porn look like that. Picture it, I'm sure you've seen the cover of a gay porn DVD or VHS or magazine or Internet or television. Do they look like that or even sound like that? Where's the high friendly voice? Where's the great fashion sense? How come they're not listening to Pet Shop Boys or Erasure or Judas Priest? Okay, whatever. I don't care, I don't watch it, but think about it anyway, and send me something to prove me otherwise.

So! Back to what I was saying. That's right come back to me, now. Scroll back to the top if you need your memory jogged. I'm at the megastore, now entering the "Over 18" section ready to see if they might, maybe, probably not have something I might like. Now I'm feeling really sheepish and nervous, because I've never ever gone through the adult section of a public store before. Sure, I'll do it online when my roommates are gone or late, late, late at night, but never have I had the balls to just go "browsing" at your local shoppe. I look around and over my shoulders. Okay, just wait until that guy leaves, and then do a quick glance over. I go to the front of the aisle and peel back to black panel to view the titles they have. "Girls Who Like Anal," "How Many Holes?" "Girl on Girl," "Big Black Cocks," (what?) "Naughty Vixens." Ooh. I like the "naughty." It implies that the girl might be submissive, evasive, or even exploitive. I pick it up to read and view pictures on the back. Keep in mind the entire 30 seconds I've been in this section, I'm constantly looking past my peripherals and sweating profusely. Like I'm going to get caught? "How dare you look at that legal video that the store is willfully selling!" I'm looking at the back of the DVD, and it was what I expected - nudity, nudity, nudity. Blech! I placed it down behind the black panel and continued my hastened search. "Nude University," "Girls with Strap-ons," (why?) "Jessica." Simple, but the gal on the cover is in white knee-socks, so I take a gander on what it's about. As I grab the box and look at the back, a very attractive older woman turns the corner down my aisle (older, not old). She is married and, judging from the items in her carry-round basket, has at least one child, but probably not more than that. I already have a hard drive and three regular DVDs in one of my arms, so that leaves the "adult" movie on the other. The minute I see her come down the aisle (most likely to get to the horror or anime section), I trip up and do the following sequences in under three seconds:

I shift the arm with all my other items up slightly which alters my balance.
To gain that balance back, my goal is to put the "adult" DVD on top of the pile, so I have one load instead of two.
At the same time, my brain wants to avoid humiliation of being in possession of porn and wants to put the DVD back on the shelf.
I am also trying to ease back into the Anime section which is just four paces behind me.
I am doing this to try and fool the woman into thinking that I was there the whole time and that I'm not a pervert who watches porn.
In trying to accomplish all of these objectives in mere seconds, it's not impossible to assume that something will, and did, go wrong.

Suffice to say, I ended up on the border of Anime and Adult on one knee, re-tying my shoelace as my pile of things lay to my left out of sight. Did she notice I was looking for smut? Or did she just assume I was finished with Anime and decided to tie my shoe? Either way, it's obvious she saw my little stumble onto the floor, because she asked if I was okay. And being the improv superstar that I am, I calmly replied, "Yeah, I just trip on my shoelace. Thanks."
I put the DVD back in its place as soon as she was gone, mopped the sweat off my forehead, paid for my items, and went back home to spend an hour searching for the things I like that are not conveniently commercialized in megastores. Oh, I'm so particular and picky.